"What do I have?" is a song I wrote after a buzz of activity. Scott Wilcox and I had said that we were going to write a play over Spring break. We came back, but we neither of us had written anything. So, we wrote a play the following week. We had everything mapped out, so we didn't start from scratch. We had a performance scheduled for late April, I think. I think we cast and produced the whole play within a month.
We put together a great group of people: Liz Leigh, Jon Adams, Dave Bee, Laura Copeland, and John Malmud. I think the play turned out well. The scene's that Scott wrote worked really well, and I was pleased with the monologues that I wrote, but the other parts I wrote weren't as good. Still, there was always something about the story that kept pulling me back over the years.
Play productions are emotional experiences, and when you're done with such a whirlwind experience, you are often left feeling depleted. I wrote this the day after the production ended. You can hear the depletion in the song.
At any rate, the song is a brutally honest look at myself. I wanted to feel triumphant, but I only felt ridiculous. I have never played this song live, and I have never even played for anyone else in private. I may have outgrown this self-portrait, but even to this day there are lines that ring true. And yet...
Despite the inward brutality, there appears a glimmer of hope at the end.
The gates have been opened
And there's no good or bad
I try not to think on
What did I have
What do I have
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