Being a parent is never apparent. This morning I found myself unable to determine whether to drop my car off at the shop and walk the dog with the kids home, or to wait until my wife got home. Each option required that I think several moves in advance, like a chess-player, because of the parent-ripple effect that I am consumed by on a daily basis. At one point, I found myself moving to put the stroller in the car, and then stopping myself and getting the stroller out opting instead to walk the dog and wait for my wife. Then I found myself frozen for several long seconds on my lawn. Paralyzed. The ultimate decision I made is relevant. It was the wrong one, but I realized the other option would have been wrong too.
Every time you make a decision you must go through a logical step-by-step process wherein you way the pros and cons. We have limited energy, and that includes mental energy. When I read a friend who has shared a long-read about how I'm parenting wrong (again), I can't help but assume that my friends posting these clearly can afford domestic help, because by the time I've gotten through the first paragraph I find that there's another fire to put out. I have a 16 month old son, who is utterly disinterested in toys, and absolutely interested in anything that breaks, or that has the power to make an adult drop everything they are doing and devote all their attention to him. I have a six year old daughter who loves her screen time, and I am fighting a constant battle trying to keep her occupied without having her watching the iPad, television or computer. Oh, and there's the dog who successfully manages to escape the yard on the daily basis. When I have all three, someone inevitably gets the shaft- I mean, in addition to me.
I wish I could view my efforts as heroically going where no person has gone before, but most of my friends could paint a similar picture. Which is why I find the plethora of parenting how-to's so grating. My first complaint is that a lot of these reflect the parenting style of the person sharing it. If you are already utilizing attachment-parenting, then you are likely to share an article on the subject talking about how great it is, but if you aren't chances are you will never read this article. If you are the type of person who is afraid to leave their child unattended for one minute, you are not going to read the article on free-range parenting. In my estimation, the biggest problem with this approach to sharing "nuggets of wisdom" is that what you are really doing is affirming yourself as a parent, and while I can relate to that, I've also come to the conclusion that there is not a single one-size fits all mode of parenting. Parenting is entirely subjective. We do our best parenting, not when we are adhering to some external formula, but when we are being our truest selves. Unless, of course, you are the type of person who excels when adhering to an external formula (you know who you are).
Of course, the subjectivity doesn't end there. Every kid is different. When I hear about studies that say, "kids need," or "kids must have" I cringe. Really? All kids? I'm a teacher, and as such I understand all too well, that what works for one kid doesn't always work for another. True, you do have to teach to the class, but you can't always teach to the class.
One of the more frustrating aspects of all this focus on parenting techniques is that there are a lot of backseat parents out there. I try not to pass judgement on how my friends (or strangers) parent, but I am well aware that I'm in the minority in that regard. To some extent, this is completely understandable. When you work really hard at something, you need to feel that your efforts are warranted- i.e., you're doing it right. Anytime, I get to the point where I have successfully navigated several hours with my children without a meltdown or any serious accidents, I find myself patting myself on the back. I rock. That usually lasts about a half an hour. The calm in the storm simply allows me to reflect on my parenting, which makes me realize that I could be doing a better job.
Why is parenting so hard? To some extent, it's simply because it's always been hard. But I think there's more to it now. My parents didn't sweat the small stuff so much, because the stakes didn't seem quite as high. The world has become hyper-competitive, and as a result, many parents worry that if their kid doesn't get a head-start in life, their child is going to be left behind. Your kid ate the one cookie instead of waiting 15 minutes for the two cookies, and now your child is going to turn into a drug addict working retail (and yes, that's actually from a study that I refuse to cite for you).
My friends and I are having a hard time attaining the standard of living my parents enjoyed, and this is leading some of us to recoil in fear as what the future holds for our children. How is this even possible? If you watched an episode of Mad Men, then you probably have marveled at how little that generation got done in the course of a day. Today, we can write and read more correspondence more quickly than ever before. We can deal with all sorts of work-related surprises even before we've set foot in the office. Despite being more productive than any previous generation, many of us find ourselves falling farther behind. We are getting paid less for doing the same job better. The problems we face as parents are not the problem, but they symptoms of a systemic social failure, and many of us are too busy trying to provide for our children and taking care of them to notice this systemic failure.
Ultimately, when we think of parenting as an effort to give our children every possible advantage, we're essentially saying that we're okay with a system in which that's required. You're child should not require an Ivy League education in order to enjoy a happy and productive life. You're child should not be top of the class just to enjoy what this world has to offer. You're child should not need to go to the Olympics in order to be considered an accomplished athlete. You're child should not need to make a million dollars before they're thirty. I'm not arguing that children should not aim for the stars, but I do think that they are more likely to succeed if failure isn't a life sentence. I'll leave it at that for now. Not because I don't have more to say, but because I have other things I have to do right now.
1 comment:
Thoughtful stuff old friend.
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